makeshift_misfitsfandomcom-20200216-history
User blog:AnimatronicClown/Aspiration
I'm not completely sure if what I'm going to start off with in this post today has already been mentioned in previous blog posts, so if so, I'm terribly sorry. I hope I'm not too bad about repeating things or anything of that sort. I know I'm really bad at getting off topic, rambling on, and forgetting things. Anyways, on with what I was going to say! And see, now that I'm here on a new paragraph, I don't feel like writing about what I was originally going to talk about here. But this brings up a good topic on how my severe anxiety works. It's these constant changes like this, some smaller and some larger. I tend to feel indecisive and confused because of it. Let me explain a few examples... There are small instances that happen quite often. This can be something like me trying to decide what I want to do. I think I want to draw, right? I'll be excited and enthusiastic about drawing, but as soon as I set up a sketch pad and grab my pencil, I feel like that's not what I want to do. I'll think, "No, I think I might want to play a video game." and I'll grab my 2DS and play a game for about 3 to 4 minutes, and think, "No, this isn't what I want to do. I have no idea what I want to do." so I'll go through a few other things and stop as soon as start the those tasks, and in the end, I'll just be sitting in my chair at my desk in my room doing absolutely nothing at all, and it frustrates the heck out of me. I'll end up kind of mad and upset with myself and everything in general because I just don't know what to do. I feel like as I start any one of those tasks, I'm not being productive or something. I don't know, but I just start to worry, but I have absolutely no ''idea what I'm even worrying about. And that bothers me even more. It's really confusing. Like, how can you worry if you don't even know why you're worrying or what you're worried about? Then that feeling comes over me, where I just feel so paranoid and upset and confused and tired and depressed, and man, I just hate it. It's that feeling that I constantly have that makes my life feel so difficult. I want to try to explain it here now. Maybe, just maybe, it will make a bit more sense to me if I share with you the best I can what this feeling truly ''feels like... So, maybe I can compare it to some things. It's like a mixture of feelings. It's kind of like when you're waiting in a long line at an amusement park for a big, scary rollercoaster. You know how you feel anxious, a little excited, a bit scared, trying to brace yourself, but as the line gets shorter, you do have this bit of regret and this bit of doubt? It's got a little bit of that ''feeling in there. Also, have you ever recieved some bad news that made your heart or stomach drop? When you recieve that bad news, you just feel completely dumbfounded, shocked, and a bit empty and a bit sick? It's got quite a bit of ''that in there as well. And has there ever been a time when you got called to the principal's office, and as you walk down the halls to get there, your head is flooding with thoughts and worries about why you're going there? You're like, "What did I do? What's going on? Am I in trouble? Did I do something wrong? Am I going to hear soemthing I don't want to?". It has a lot ''of ''that feeling in there. It's also sort of like when someone is being mean to you or cyberbullying you, and you get really upset and paranoid about it. And you know when you watch a horror movie, and that super intense, creepy, slowly getting faster type of music starts to play, so you're on the edge, ready to cover your eyes, ready to scream, or not to scream maybe, and you are trying super hard to prepare yourself because you just know something is about to happen, but you just don't know when? It's so much like that. But the thing is, guys, is that I have no idea why I always get this feeling, whatever it is... And that's what makes it so, so difficult to do anything sometimes. Yes, I'm getting help because I knew I need it. But I've still got such a long way to go. Not to complain, but I find it really hard some days to get by. It comes and goes. Getting better would be so much easier if I knew all of my triggers and the why and the what of everything, but I just don't. It's hard to fix something when you can't pinpoint what's going on. It's hard to fix something when you can't say why it happens or anything. But I'm trying, and I think that's what you need to get out of this mostly. Thank you if you read through all of this. I do hope you all have a wonderful day. Category:Blog posts Category:Blog posts